The WORST Smart Phone Ad.

Most smart phones are guilty of poor advertisements. All of those FAKE smart phones LG makez for Verizon Wireless are trashy and the phones are obsolete before the commercials air. I think Samsung and Motorola make some pretty cheesy ones, too. But none of those commercials compare to the obnoxious, insufferable, UNBEARABLE Palm commercial for the Palm Pre.

The Palm Pre commercial with IO Echo is the WORST Smartphone Ad.

This commercial suckz, bkuz they are ruining multiple thingz in 30 seconds. I’m probz supposed to like IO Echo, bkuz I like most of the bands related to their scene and genre, but I’d rather hear a police siren after driving away from a bar at 2am. Especially the scene where they cut to Joanna singing in the bed? That’s the ultimate W0rsts! She gets right under my skin. :’(

Also, when they are trying to sell the phone to hipsters by showcasing how the phone is cool enough for this indie band , and they can access all of their personal connections on it and watch their own youtube vidz, etc? That sucks! 1/2 of the commercial lookz like I watching extras from Wayne’s World 3. :’(

The editing makes the band look TOO sp0oky — like they aren’t singing one of their underground commercial singles, but they are actually putting some creepy spell on me to buy a Palm Pre.

Too much exposure is a t0tal turnoff and it puts the spotlight on all that is awful with the whole package. When is Crystal Castles going to start selling Netb00x?!

I don’t like when facebook c0mez 2 life.

:’(

The WORST Summer Tour.

There are many AWFUL tours out there, shitting through North America:  Warped Tour, the current Nickleback / Papa Roach tour (wut fucking year is this?!), anything Myspace still puts its name on, etc.

When a band I looked up to as a kid reunites and decides to hit the road again, my interest is instantly piqued — but ONLY when they actually perform!

The 2009 Regeneration Tour is the WORST TOUR, EVER!

LIVING JOKE.

Granted, I “won” tickets to this hot, steaming pile of p00tiez, but that doesn’t mean I’m supposed to be grateful!

The website for the tour had a layout that suggested Missing Persons, (most of) Berlin, and Heaven 17 were going to play in my town … but a tiny “*” explained the tour differently.

ABC, Wang Chung and Cutting Crew provided one of the WORST nights of my life.  I knew Dale Bozzio was probably in court that day, and there were rumours Heaven 17 backed out of the tour, bkuz even THEYknew how awful the remaining lineup wuz, but they couldn’t get some replacements?! Wut wuz Tears for Fears doing that night? Is OMD busy in the studio? I didn’t think so!

The website also has a convenient list of  “hit songs” for the bands incase you forgot them … or never enjoyed them to begin with! I would have preferred a colonic that evening.

I’ve never left a concert with PTSD before, but I guess there is a first for everything. I kind of felt like I left that Great White show at the Station Nightclub in R.I. — remember? :’(

Worst tour = WORST NIGHT!

The Worst Rock Song.

Ugh! Sorry for my absence. I’ve been 2 bizy w0rk, car accidentz, events, travelz, etc. I wish I had some simple explanation like cancer, or something, but I don’t. Though, I’ve never had a physical, so let’s not rule that one out.

AnywayzzZz, I’ve encountered SEVERAL W0rsts since I last updated you, and the one that has enraged me the most is as follows.

————————————-

Remember when “Rock” songs were kind of cool? They could all fit under that general category? Skid Row, Nirvana, and even Nine Inch Nails were nominated for Rock Grammyz? Those were the days. Now Rock has gone all pussy!

Remember that Puddle of Mudd song “She hates me”? Didn’t you think that was the WORST and extremely trashy? And you totally sided with the girl, and could understand why she’d hate the lead singer of Puddle of Mudd? Well, that was true at the time, but there is a new contender for the title.

Enter: Kings of Leon.

What’s wrong with these dudes? Their transformation out-WORSTS the Killers! After mild success with their earlier albums, they come out with this crossbred album that takes steals sounds from Interpol, M83 and, sadly, Coldplay.

The first single was annoying. The second single is like getting an STD of the eardrum.

“Use Somebody” is the WORST Rock Song.

 

WORSTWORSTWORSTWORSTWORSTWORSTWORST!

I’ve watched this video in slow motion to study his mouth, and see how he exerts his muscles and lips to pronounce “use” as “UsszzzzeH“. I hate it! It has ruined car trips, dates, and days off — pretty much anything I’m doing when it comes on the radio. I’m sure if I had a radio in the bathroom, it would somehow find a way to …. you get the idea.

I can no longer visit L.A., bkuz the video was filmed there.

I bet someone on Air France flight 447 decided to turn on his iWorst, and click on Kings of Leon as the flight cruised over the Atlantic …

Bonus: The first person to comment will receive a call from me, so you can hear my rendition of the song. It will certainly ruin your day!

Don’t ya know I could WORSTsumm-Bod-ay!!

The Worst Career Choice.

You may know ppl getting their Master’s in Journalism, and think to yrself: that is the WORST decision anyone could make in this day and age, and they are STUPID for wasting all of that $$$$ and time. And I’d sort of agree with you, that’s a very stupid choice nowadayz, bkuz u don’t need degreez to write the newz anymore, or to deliver an opinion on what the happz in 2day’z society (thnx, internetz).

But alas, a career in Journalism is not the worst.  “Wut could be a worse choice than that?” you ask?

A Professional Poker is the WORST Career Choice.

"Mommy, why do kids at school call me trash?"

As Joan Rivers perfectly explained, “poker players are worse than white trash”.

There is nothing wrong with going to a casino, or having some gross, Coor’s Lite  drinking friends over to play a round in the basement, but when you’ve filled out your second 1099 form at Caesar’s Palace and you’re not on vacation, you’ve crossed the trash line.

Professional Poker playing is NOT entertaining. I don’t get to keep any of the winnings — I know it’s all spent on more leather jackets and Native American jewelery. I’m not even sure why it’s considered a sport — it’s not played in an arena, it’s filmed in dark, smokey rooms – while the guys wear sunglasses and too much silver and jade. It airs on TV channels as filler between 3 AM and the morning newz. 

If you’ve ever thought to yrself: Gee, I really fucked up in life. Stop. Think for a minute. And if you’re not a professional poker player, tomorrow’s a brighter day.

 

The Worst Reunion tour.

It’s cool when your childhood idolz can put the past behind them and take the stage again. Guns N’ Rozez almost had something going (a few times). NKOTB sold out SOME venues on their recent tours. And even though the KISS reunion was very, very awful and gross, it still doesn’t beat this:

Creed is hitting the road for the WORST Reunion Tour.

p00tiez! ~~

Is there still a demand for this to happen? Will old Creed fans welcome this … {with armmmms wide ohHH-pennnnn} ?? I was shocked when a pop-up window alerted me of the local tour date!

Remember when you were in high school or college / whatevz, and you’d be at a party, and while you’re talking to people about world news, political views, music, life, or wutevz – it would eventually turn in2 a heated discussion with one particular jerk? Then you found out that he wuz a Creed fan and he would INSTANTLY lose the argument? along with EVERYONES’ respect? I missed those days. I guess that’s the only benefit of this entire reunion.

Well, that and when Scott Stapp starts hitting the bottle again on the road.

The WORST up-and-coming band. (US)

Don’t you hate it when hipster magazines tell you about a HOT NEW BAND that’s going to totally change your Summer? When a Nylon or Vice (worst magazine) writer totally hypes the shit out of a friend’s or friend of a friend’s band? And then they blow up overnight, and they’ve instantly gone from small club to ARENA ROCK? Remember Justice? I’m pretty sure most of the really ko0l DJsbumped them out of their WorstSpace top 8’s. :’(

Anywayz, this band is nothing like that. They are getting tons of press and MTV would play their song during Real World: Brooklyn commercial breaks, but the fact of the matter is — they’re the WORST.

Chester French is the WORST up-and-coming band. (US)

douche bagzZz

I saw them play a free show during a “May Fair”. Someone from their backing band came out and announced them. The lead singer appeared out of nowhere in ironic/zany sunglasses and started instructing all the “mother fuckers” to “clap your mother fucking hands”.

That’s a little distasteful, considering 90% of the crowd was made up of mothers pushing double baby strollers.

When your audience starts covering their kids’ ears and running to the fried dough carts, it’s not bkuz you’re the next Iggy Pop, it’s bkuz you’re the worst – and they’re used to catching you sing bubblegum pop about Jimmy Choo shoes.

Also, ’sup with the wardrobe change from Brooks Brothers to American Apparel? That’s almost as bad as working with Pharrell Williams, bkuz he’s the ULTIMATE DOUCHE. 

 

WORST!

The WORST Summer Accessory: 2009

Ugh, this is the time of the year that sucks the MOST. It’s starting to get warm outside, and most of the country has seen a few really hot days already. It was 94 degrees in the Northeast yesterday, and it’s still fucking APRIL!

When it really starts to heat up, ppl have no idea what to wear out in public. As we’ve seen with Crocs, Ed Hardy anything, and those FUCKING KANYE WEST SUNGLASSES that some factories are still producing, ppl sure like hit the streets in the most unflattering ways.  Even with all of the fashion and trend forecasting agencies out there, some fads erroneously slip through the fingers of once reputable designers, like the Taco Bell “Stuffed Burrito” you forgot on your dashboard in direct sunlight, and decided to eat after spending 5 hours at the beach.

po0tiez!

Each year it gets worse and worse.

Swine Flu will be the WORST Summer Accessory of 2009.

Ugh! I still don’t understand how this started! I heard about Patient Zero, but what was he doing with those pigs?! And did a pig sneeze in his face? If so, that’s FUCKING GROSS! Also, wut wuz he doing hanging out with all of those American kids?! (Kids — check your suitcases, you didn’t purposely pack lighter for the flight home. :’( )

Simple solution: WASH YOUR HANDS, JERKS!

And stay the hell away from me!

The Worst Fiancé.

This is sort of a rare occurrence, so I don’t really have a lot to compare this to. But you know when you see trailer park trash appear in the newz bkuz their man just got caught for doing something AWFUL, and they are all like: “My fiancé wouldn’t have molested thoze kidz!” or “My fiancé would have never bombed that Iraqi School!” Those are just distraught women who became the center of national attention overnight and were asked to comment on something DISGUSTING their soon-2-b Ex menz did. It’s not like they sent an annoying, ill-equipped e-mail to Good Morning America … oh, w8 a second — Megan McAllister did.

Megan McAllister is the WORST Fiancée.

crgzlst kllr + l@dy frnd

“Unfortunately, the Boston Police try to make money out of these things and release things without my knowledge or consent”-Megan McAllister

w8 a second, why do they need her consent? They were trying to capture the Craigzli$t killer. And how are they making $$$ off of this? Did he have a suitcase full of pure, sweet, uncut cocaine that the arresting officers are going to filter back onto the streets through a network of local street slums that they’ve become allies with over the yearz? I failed 2 see that in the coverage. :’(

I felt sorry for her at first, but there are way too many of her stupid statements floating around the internetz 2day. Also, the pictures look a lot like her Brooks Brothers wearing/ Neanderthal fiancé. :’(

But beyond all of the media hype, prostitution, and murder, the true crime here is this PINK mixer Megan picked out for their wedding registry:

(http://registry.weddingchannel.com/gvr/guestregistrydetail.action?retailer_registry_uid=310630375&listby=dept)

Maybz that’s when he snapped?

If it makes her feel any better, at least he didn’t cheat on her with the victimz. She has nothing to worry about — she’s hot and she’ll t0tally get some pity hook-upz. + her life won’t be ruined from getting married at such a young age.

The WORST people to have on your Cargo Ship.

Granted, I don’t have much experience on this topic. I am not a sea captain. I haven’t been on a cargo ship. I haven’t traveled through foreign waters … but I have access to the internet and world newz.  ;*)

Soooo, each time I hear about this stuff, my first reaction is “Hey!” which is usually followed by “BAD!” (while doing a tsk tsk tsk movement with my index finger at the TV)

Out of all the appropriate fixtures (seamen, stowawayz, ratz, etc.),

Somali Pirates are the WORST ppl to have on your Cargo Ship.

 

 

Why do ships STILL sail through the coast of Somalia? It’s GUARANTEED CRIME!

Stay the FUCK out of there, even if it takes an extra week to get that shipment of Old Navy cargo shorts to stores!

 

FOOLZ! Even Cap’n Crunch knows better than that!

The Worst ending to a movie (in theaters).

I rarely come across a movie with an ending that pisses me off. (Brokeback Mountainwas kind of upsetting — and I kind of wish Queen Latifah survived in Set It Off ) I think I’m very selective about the films I choose to watch. When I go to the theater to see a movie, it better be fucking good! OR ELSE!!

Anywayzzzz, from the lookz of it, Adventureland seemed like it wuz going to be silly (Kristen Wiig and that guy from SNL. A period piece from my favorite decade. Rock Me Amadeus, etc.) and granted, it had a few silly moments, but the rest was pretty sad and depressing. Believe me, I like it when teen girls hook-up with older d00dz just as much as the next guy, but not when it hurts everyone involved!

What turned out to be a dark comedy managed to leave me with a dropped jaw instead of LOLz.

Adventureland offers the WORST Ending to a Movie (in theaters).

Selfish Jerk and Psycho Bitch

When ‘James’ finds out his BFF is going to Harvard instead of NY, and won’t be able to cover his need for free rent (due to his parents’ new financial strugglez), and realizes the girl he’s had the WORST relationship with has just moved back to her own apartment (blocks away from the Grad School he planned to attend), he shows up at her doorstep, and he’s all like “hey, sorry that was all horrible — maybe this can work now?”

What the FUCK?! LOSER! I kind of felt sorry for him in the beginning, but he is a total loser. And that date he had with Lisa P.? He only did that so he could brag to his friendz. JERK.

Sure, Emily is a little fucked up, but if there was a sequel to this movie, she’d be dead by her own handz in the opening scene after realizing James’s interests.  :(

:’(

WORST!